By Brooke Schewe
Director of Outreach & Development

Three years ago, I began having excruciating pains in my upper right side. The pain was so bad that I couldn’t work. I assumed that it was the result of having had my gall bladder removed that year. However, after enduring a string of invasive medical tests, I was provided a clean bill of health.

Although I was very pleased to find out I wasn’t suffering from a fatal disease, the pain was not subsiding. Frustrated, I researched the Internet for a possible diagnosis. Very often, search engines redirected me to web sites concerning stress management. I began to question whether my pain could simply be stress-related or psychosomatic.

The day before my youngest son was to be evaluated for an early intervention program, the pain in my side grew worse. The day of the evaluation, which consisted of detailing every possible behavioral defect my child had, the pain was worse than ever before. That evening, my son did not want to go to bed. I picked him up and proceeded to bring him upstairs. He was furious at me and grabbed my cheeks with his nails, arched his back, and began to scream inconsolably. At that moment I realized that my pain could indeed be stress-induced.

I shared this information with my doctor, who proceeded to diagnose me with a very common stress-related ailment. Once I became aware of the source of my pain, I was determined to recover. I wanted to be able to work again and most of all I wanted to be pain-free. I accepted that I must change my methods of dealing with stress.

After evaluating my situation, with the help of a counselor, I began to uncover all of the ways I was allowing stress to take control of my life. The primary source of my stress originated from the enormous guilt I felt surrounding my son’s need for special services. I was constantly blaming myself, thinking his special behavioral needs were somehow my fault. I thought to myself that I must not have taken good enough care of myself while I was pregnant. I did all the right things-ate right, rested, never drank or smoked-but still blamed myself for his premature delivery. Perhaps I didn’t breast feed him long enough, wasn’t as optimistic as I should have been, didn’t hold him enough? In my eyes, my son’s special behavioral and emotional needs were all my fault.

In addition to the guilt, I worried constantly about my husband and I being stigmatized and blamed for our son’s behavior. I also worried constantly about my son’s future: Will he ever be able to have a happy life? What if he never improves and deteriorates? What if he hates me? Fortunately I realized that although I had little control over the stressors in my life, I could control my reaction to these stressors. Through research and the help of my counselor, I investigated a variety of coping strategies and implemented them into my daily life. Today, I am pain-free and my son is doing very well. I have the tools to deal with potential stressors long before they manifest into a physical, mental, or emotional problem.

Tools I Found Helpful as a Parent Coping with Stress:

• Identify. Identifying the stressors in y life helped me to step back and make changes in the way I responded and reacted to these stressors.

• Locate support. Once I realized that there were other parents with children with special behavioral and emotional needs, I was relieved. I knew then that I wasn’t alone. Meeting other families introduced me to the fact that there were people experiencing far worse situations than mine. I soon discovered that my problems were a drop in the bucket compared to others.

• Share with others. Once I made the commitment to be up front about my son’s special needs, my anxiety surrounding stigma and blame disappeared. Discussing my feelings with my counselor, family members, and friends helped much more than holding everything in.

• Take care of yourself. I realized that if I didn’t take better care of myself, I was going to end up in the hospital, or worse, miserable for the rest of my life. I was putting the needs of everyone else first, neglecting myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I started eating better, retiring to bed earlier, gardening, and exercising. I sought out respite. I also took time to meditate and participate in a relaxing activity every day, even if it was for just a few minutes at a time.

• Acknowledge your positive traits! I was addicted to negative thinking patterns. Some days I felt so stressed, I couldn’t think of one good thing to say about my family or myself. To get over this hurdle, I kept it simple. I began to recognize even the smallest things I had accomplished, like telling my kids I loved them every morning with a hug, helping my mom fix her email problems, growing flowers in my garden, etc. I got in the habit of being so optimistic; my negative thoughts were far from the forefront of my mind.

• Have faith and hope. Instead of thinking my son would never be happy, I concentrated on imagining him filled with happiness in the future. I realized that I was powerless over many aspects of my family’s life and that worrying wasn’t going to change the future. During stressful moments, I learned to pray and reassure myself that “all will be well” and that “this too shall pass.”

• Write. Starting a journal was one of the most therapeutic commitments I’ve ever made to myself. It has proven to be a great way for me to get in touch with my feelings. My journal is my personal sounding board, where I list all of my concerns, opinions, and reflections. These aren’t the only ways to minimize stress in your life and certainly won’t make your life completely stress free. Everyone manages their stress levels in different ways. It’s important to locate your individual tools to diminish unneeded nuances of stress. Remember, though, that stress is a necessary part of life. It’s how you choose to deal with stressors that make you who you are.