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"The Myth of the Bad Parent"

We've all seen it - a little girl throwing a fit in the bread aisle or a little boy kicking and screaming in front of the fragrance counter. Most parents have seen their own child behave the same way from time to time. Yet, it's common for people to react to this kind of behavior by blaming the parent.

Being a parent isn't easy, and all parents are bound to make some mistakes. Different parents use different parenting techniques. some parents try to negotiate. Others use "time-out". Sadly, some parents become so frustrated and embarrassed by their child's behavior that they resort to slapping, shaking, or yelling at the child. Some seem to do nothing.

However, believing that a child's behavior problem is always the result of bad parenting is like believing poor grades are always the result of an ineffective teacher. Even the best teachers have students who get poor grades, and even the best parents can have a child with a behavior problem. The fact is that behavior problems can be a sign of a serious emotional, behavioral, or mental health health need.

Some parents simply do not have the knowledge, skills, or support they need to help them manage a child's behavior problem. Parents often are dealing with their own problems, such as unemployment, poverty, or illness.

In spite of these challenges, all parents have strengths. Most parents know from experience what their child needs most. Parents are committed to both their child and their community. Parents are dedicated to helping their children grow healthy and strong. Most of all, parents have a "built-in" motivation to do what's best for their child.

By building on these kinds of strengths, parents can develop better ways to take charge of their lives and to succeed. The key, however, is to find out what those strengths are. "I don't see dysfunctional families", says Barbara Huff, Executive Director of the Federation of Families for Children's Mental Health, "I see families that are over-stressed and under-supported. When you build on child and family strengths", says Huff, "what you get is what kids do best and what families do best."

There are many resources available to parents who have a child with an emotional, behavioral , or mental health need. An organization like Families Together in NYS can assist parents in locating these resources. Some of these resources are family support programs and support groups, parenting classes, advocacy, and respite care.

* This is an edited excerpt from a publication of the Center for Mental Health Services, Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration.

Families Together in NYS is encouraging parents to share their experience, strength, and hope with us so that other parents can know they aren't alone or isolated in their own struggles. Please forward stories to bschewe@ftnys.org